Adoption: Blending hearts

Lately I have been talking about "capturing the heart of your child".  I ran across this blog that is a perfect example of away to do just that.  I really wanted to share this with you.  Even though I didn't get most of these children that we have in our house at a young age, I can still spend precious moments with them.  I hope you enjoy this and it touched my heart and I felt the Lord prompting to be just a little bit "softer". Enjoy!

 

Editor's Note: Today we are so blessed to share a guest post with you, written by Theresa​ Miller of Heavenly Glimpses.

She sits in the crook of my arm for a good portion of the weekend as we read through Anne of Green Gables. At five, she understands the highlights of the story and may get lost in the details, but she asks for it, she sits through it, and we bond through it.

These days we connect through reading aloud together, the twinkle of an eye, and an extra long hug.

And I wonder when our relationship became so sweet?

I remember how we scheduled our first born child's routines by the book and he was so compliant that we took that method as the golden rule and set out to schedule her routines, as well.

I remember when she was two and her younger brother was born, and feeling that I had not held her enough.

I remember when she was two-and-a-half and we gave her crib to her baby brother, moved her to a toddler bed, and battled her staying in bed for the next year.

I recall trying many of the tools for gaining compliance that worked for her older brother, ignorantly attempting to mold her temperament into his, and she demanding in a fit of tantrums that we see her for her own individual likeness.

And although we had countless lovable moments and loved the best we knew how through the fits, I still recall those struggles more readily than I do the tender moments.

Then just over a year ago, I crept into her room after everyone was tucked into bed. I didn't care anymore that I could be forming a habit of dependency. We sat on her bed and took turns braiding each other’s hair – she telling me stories and singing lyrics she'd think up, spilling out evidences of her heart; then we'd conclude with me rubbing her back, reading Letters to a Princess, and praying with her. It was no less than forty-five minutes later that I would close the door to her room for the night.

This became our nightly ritual for the next several months.

Today, we more naturally weave tender moments throughout the day. She doesn't need me for forty-five minutes at night anymore. But when I think about how this tapestry of sweet relationship was formed, I can trace it back only as far as just over a year ago when I crept into her room and we began braiding hair and weaving hearts.

I didn't know it at the time how necessary this habit would be, but I pray with all of my heart now that this dependency will continue to be a safe haven of treasured moments interwoven throughout her growing years.

And I pray that we will weave this bond strong and tight as I continue to release what I think compliance should look like and study closer the threads of a heart.

​

Theresa is a wife and mother of four wonderful children. She is a stay-at-home-mom, whose passions are primarily with her family, writing, and in ministries that encourage mothers in this generation. Theresa has been published in MOPS International, MOMSnext e-zine and other on-line publications. Theresa authors Heavenly Glimpses blog, where she captures the heart of Christ through glimpses into the life of her children, marriage, and a humbly inspired heart.

​

Kristen Kill

www.hopewithfeathers.com

Kristen has a background in Early Childhood Education, spent years as a missionary in Asia and Europe, and now relishes in her role as the Editor of Mom Heart Online. You can also find her musing on Twitter at @KristenKill

Adoption: The Soul Of A Child Is The Loveliest Flower That Grows In The Garden Of God!

It seems it was just a few days ago I felt like I was going through something that was almost too big for me.  I seemed to hit a wall.  I knew what I needed but I wasn't sure how to get there.  The Lord is so faithful to see me through.  I know that he lead me down this journey I am on and he would not abandon me now.  I knew I was not being the mom I wanted to me.  I knew something needed to change and I'm not talking about my children (this time).  I am talking about me.

Lately the Lord has really been pressing on me "to capture the heart of my children".  It is through connecting with their hearts is where respect, honor and obedience will come shining through.  Once their hearts are captured your children will be drawn to you instead of craving space and pushing away.  

As I go through this day by day I find myself craving to know more on how to go about this.  I have purchased book after book.  It has affected my responses and He is convicting me when my responses are too harsh or ungodly.  I want to be a mom after Gods own heart.

On Tuesdays we go to the summer movies.  Then after the movies we go to the water park.  Today a dear friend went to the movies with me and then we went to the park afterwards to let the children play.  It felt so nice to talk to her and share what the Lord was doing in my life and how he was changing my heart day by day.  How refreshing it is to listen to her on what that the Lord is doing in her life too.  Before we knew it -- it was time to go.  How time flies by when you are enjoying such a GREAT conversation.

I kind of surprised myself by just relaxing and letting the kids get drenched in their normal clothes.  Who cares if the seats get wet on the way home.  I brought a blanket with me for the kids to sit on in the park.  I could lay that out on the seat.  Normally -- I would have been uptight about the kids getting into the vehicle drenched from head to toe.  On this day-- who cared and it felt.................wonderful!!  Is this part of the Lord changing me?  I sure hope so.  The kids had a blast.

Driving home I felt like my cup runnith over.  I wish this feeling would last forever.  I know in order to have this feeling continue I need to "READ MY BIBLE AND PRAY EVERY SINGLE DAY!"  I also need to surround myself with those who love to talk about Jesus.  

While the children were taking their nap, clothes were washing I couldn't help it but I picked up my book again.  Here is a passage I read today.............

The garden of God's little girl-- how grand!

It began with a dream, a prayer and a plan.

Nothing this splendid just happens, we know

it takes time and care for flowers to grow.

How did Judy's garden come to be so magnificent? Multiple words are rushing in as I search for an answer.  Commitment. Handwork. Dedication. Attention. Diligence. Creativity. Time. And I can't leave out...Love! And all of these qualities and attitudes of the heart have been worked out day after day for years on end.  

Judy's training efforts go something like this.  Each day, in the early morning stillness she faithfully feeds, tills, and waters the roses and gift-wraps her arbor.  Then with sharpened shears, she cuts away any unruly growth, prunes off all unnecessary shoots and removes every dead blossom.  Surgically, Judy (who also used to be know as Judy the nurse!) removed any and every thing that would hinder the growth and development of her roses.  

Oh, But she's not done yet! Next is the training process.  Judy mounts her ladder and wired and tacks down her rose vines, carefully directing and redirecting their growth.  She works away at this until he gets the results she wants and sees the design and beauty she has in mind emerging.  Judy knows that growing a garden- even a single plant in a garden- is work.  But its a labor of love.  And work is required of anyone who wanted something grand.

Are you with me mom?  Are you guessing where were going in a section about training children for God....and for life?  We are going straight to the heart of what it means to train our children in God's ways!

And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall....talk to them when you sit in your house when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise up.  

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Good stuff!!!! 

Adoption: Let The Transformation Begin!

For quit sometime now I knew something was missing in me.  My last post was just another example of how chaotic my life has been lately.  I knew what I was missing but I really didn't know where to fit that in during my days.  The very thing I was missing was most important relationship of all.  In order to have the hearts of my children I need my heart to be right with my Savior.  I need that time alone with Him each morning to be refreshed and lead my dear children in the direction they should go.  

I have had this book for quit sometime and I think it was sitting on my bookshelf begging me to take it down and open it.  Its called "A Mom After Gods Own Heart" by Elizabeth George.

Since I want my children to love God and follow Him, I need to set the focus of my heart on God and let them see me love Him and follow Him.  I need to be a mom after Gods own heart.  He'll help me take care of everything else that goes with parenting.

Here is a little blub that spoke volumes to me.

...I found myself running on empty.  And when we're spiritually running on empty our hearts are hollow and numb.  Without spiritual refueling, our parenting is empty and the evidence of our apathy creep into our children's lives.  All becomes dull and devoid of spiritual energy, purpose, motivation and accomplishment in both parent and child.

....heartless.  If we are heartless, our parenting becomes heartless and rote.  We unconsciously put ourselves and our child-raising on autopilot.  We find ourselves giving in and giving up the fight for godly standard and behavior.  We begin putting up with things the way they are.  We fail to make the effort to see that we live out God's calling to be moms after Him.  We fail to make sure our children's hearts are being continually molded heavenward.

...worldy.  If e are preoccupied with the things of this world and enamored by early pursuits and rewards, our parenting will be worldly.  We won't be following God's criteria and God's ways.  We'll be walking and parenting in the ways of the world.  We'll slip up on holding the line on conduct and choices and discipline.  The things of this world will creep into our homes and into our children's hearts.  

...Carnal or unspiritual.  If we are fulfilling the lust of the flesh instead of walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:16 "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh"), our parenting will show it.  As Paul points out, "the works of the flesh are evident" (Verse 19).  There will be screaming, yelling, belittling, name-calling, maybe even the slapping or shaking or pushing of children around.

This is all serious stuff...all brought about because the goodness of God's word is not regularly refreshing and reminding us of Christ's better ways.  God's solution?  Pick up the Bible and read it.  When we do, God touches and transforms our hearts in to those of moms after His heart.

Amen and Amen!!

Adoption: What about the Mom in this whole thing!!

Okay so I thought I would use this to voice my frustrations along with my achievements.  Through our journey with the adoption that happened 1 1/2 years ago and this current foster care (hopefully adoption) the one element that seems to be lost is "what about the Mom?" 

I must first say that I am so happy that the Lord showed me this road.  I know that I know this is what I was created to do.  This has exposed my strengths and has majorly exposed me weaknesses.  It has changed my family for the better and has made a real difference in the children that we have given a home.  I have had great days and boy I have had some real doozies that has shaken me to the core of despair.

We recently had a birthday party for Nemo who just turned 13 years old.  I was thinking it would be a small get together because the only member of the family that were here was my sister and her husband and 2 children, my mother in law and my brother in law.  Other than that is was just our children.  Small right? Well, there was my 21 yea old son and his 2 1/2 year old daughter, my 21 daughter and her husband and her 3 1/2 year old daughter, my 14 year old daughter, my 13 year old daughter, my 13 year old birthday boy, my 10 year old son, my 4 year old daughter and my 3 year old daughter.  I tend to forget how big we are.  I caught myself many times through the party taking a deep breath.  I would have 5 or six kids in the kitchen following me talking all at one time asking me if they could do this and what about that.

During this party my 13 year old birthday boy was having anxiety about his party for the past few days.  He gave me a list of things he wanted for his party plus a step by step on how he wants his birthday carried out.  He first wanted to be woken up with a birthday song.  Then he wanted this and that.  And days before he kept stressing out on ordering his cake.  He asked me what the budget was on birthdays so he was figuring prices and a line up of what he wanted.  And this went on and on.  This added to my stress too.  During the party it was "when are we going to open presents", "when are we going to eat cake", "when is this and when is that".  I kept say "you need to relax and let your birthday happen.  you don't have to control every aspect of everything in order for it turn out well."

I was running really behind and I went shopping for his presents that morning.  This also included picking up my son and his daughter.  While shopping I found this deer hunting game that I knew he would love.  The corner of the package was damaged so I saw some more around the corner.  I grabbed one real quick and ran to the check out.  While unloading the car I realized instead of grabbing the hunting game I grabbed a game called the "Dead Walking".  This was the only thing we got him besides cash.  I about died! I can't give him that!!!  They shoot people and blood goes everywhere.  There was no way I could go back to the store before the party to return it either.  

Anyway-- people started to show up for the party.  I always enjoy having get together at the house.  We had a great time.  My sister jumped in to help get everything prepared and on the table.   I was just fine until............................7/8th through the party.  I was finding myself completely stressed out.  Every time I would do something there was a child or adult asking for something else time and time again!  I was holding back the tears all the way trying to keep a smile of my face.  I feel like people are watching me, watching my patience, watching my expressions, waiting to see if I can hold up or not.  I know that these are pressures I put on myself -- especially around most of my family.  

I do have my critics who disagree with what I am doing and maybe that is why I feel like I have to come off like every thing is "just peachy!"  I am not aloud bad days.  I am not allowed to feel overwhelmed.  If I was any of these things then it would mean that I got myself in to far.  It would mean that I should have listened to my critics and should have NEVER have done this adopting foster thing EVER!!! What was I thinking?!!

My son was leaving the party and had his hands full.  So I took my granddaughter out to the vehicle.  I opened the van door to put her in and here comes my lovely husband (who supports me in what every I do) and says "where are the van keys?"  Immediately I lost it.  First of all --what do I do now?  I don't know where the keys are at the moment.  I would have to look for them.  I can't leave my granddaughter in the van because it is sweltering hot and she was already getting sweaty.  I am not sure why I feel like I can loose it with my husband and no one else.  My poor hubby!!! Just when I said "I can't do this!"  "I can't be all things to all people!!!"  My son said "I got this mom" and I just started crying! Just then my sweet mother in law and brother in law come through the gate.  I walk away fast because I'm embarrassed that "someone saw me loose it!"  I had to find the keys so the A/C can be turn on.  While finding the keys I had people trailing me asking for different things -- this and that blah blah blah.  No one knew I was upset (expect for the unfortunate people outside).  I found the keys, took them to my sweet hubby and then back to the house.  My 21 year old daughter asked if I was okay and I was.  I just needed to explode --- just once.  It was a relief.

All day I couldn't remember my kids names -- I meant to say one thing and I would say something completely wrong.  I would misspeak constantly.  I am catching myself STILL misspeaking on things that I know--- but I say it wrong.  It is so frustrating.

That night and the day after I had talked to my husband about ME!  I told him I cannot tell I am over whelmed until it is too late.  He told me that ever since he knew me I ALWAYS get into different projects -- huge projects that over extend me.  I am ALWAYS busy or have something going.  For awhile I worked full time managing a subdivision and did Pampered Chef on the side plus ran the Southern Oregon Region of Flylady.  Then after I quit Pampered Chef I decided to run a business.  All the while working full time.  The business I had was Rogue Valley Personal Assistant.  I was a personal shopper for seniors.  I had 6 employees and 50 clients and it was successful and very busy.  Plus ------I can't forget I had a family of 6 people.  This is just a few examples of what I do to myself.  

All the while talking with him I was boo hooing!! I looked horrible!!! AND ridiculous!!!!!!  But afterward it was good.  I often wonder if the reason why I feel I have to be so busy is to feel successful.  Hmmmm something I need to think about!!

We talked about all the things I have been in and joined and how exiting anyone one of those would not leave a mark on anyone however taking in 5 children and letting go of them would scare them and us FOREVER!!!! and let me reassure you that would be the LST thin ever that we would do.  I could never do that nor would I want to.  I love ALL these children.

However with all this said ---- I need to STOP over extending myself!! My only commitments should be to my JESUS, my husband and my children.  I love all of them and I want to be the best person, the best wife and the best mom I can be. So as I care for my husband and my children I need to also to take of me and I give myself permission to have some down time.

Thank you for listening to me vent.  I do feel better!!!!!

Adoption: Exciting Events Are Happening!

I feel so encouraged!! I hardly can contain my smile.  Things are headed in the right direction and I need to give all credit to Jesus who directs our steps each and every way throughout this process.

The little ones are one of us now.  We are still plugging along with the potty training issues with the 5 year old.  I have really had to step it up and make her more responsible.  I have gotten rid of all the princess pull ups and the choices are Hello Kitty big girl underwear or boy pull ups.  For awhile what was happening is she was in boy pull ups all day.  She said she was dry but in fact when I went to inspect sure enough she had pottied in her pull up.  So I would change her and take away her pants and make her go into the living room so everyone could see her wearing the boy pull ups.  Know one would say anything but she would sit on the couch very embarrassed.  The following day I would put her Hello Kitty underwear making it very clear that if she pottied in her pants she would have to wear the boy pull up.  I would also notice immediately if she had wet her pants.  This has been working really well.  We have night time accidents but those are accidents and I am not worried about those for now.

Tonight was my husbands 52 birthday.  I baked a yummy peach cobbler at his request.  There is nothing like peach cobbler and ice cream! It seems that everything I cook these days my recipies are doubled.  Everyone really liked it and was begging for more. If you would like the recipe --let me know.

  Anyway -- My wonderful hubby was cooling off with the kids in our kiddie pool.  I love this man!!! I was laughing so hard.  Laughing is good for the soul.

 Here my wonderful hubby is sharing the kiddie pool with my bio son, one adopted son and our foster daughter.

 The water is cold and boy was this funny!!!

My wonderful hubby, bio son and adopted son.

So far this week I have gotten 2 phone calls from Miss J.  This girl is so amazing!! I don't know why I get so emotional when ever I talk about her.  I can tell I am starting to love her.  I know there is a reason why the Lord placed her in our home.  If I can make her realize that she means so much to our family and she actually believes it -- it will be a miracle.  She called me today to let me know that she wants to come home for the weekend.  I was smiling so hard I thought I was going to split a lip.  I wish that no siblings be separated (unless it is unhealthy they are together).  I have been worried that this might be a case where they do separate them.  But praise the Lord she will be transitioning into our family.

Please pray for us this weekend.  We are not a perfect family but we are a perfect family for her.  I pray that bonds are formed and fears are put aside.  Thank you in advance!

Adoption: Its My Turn To Use Manipulation! I Have The Best Teachers!

Believe it or not these newest children have been with us for about 5 weeks.  I love them more than I can explain.  They warn you not to get to attached when doing foster care. I would like to know how to love these children and to care for them appropriately and not to let that happen.  I understand they possibly could be returned however I am praying against that.  God is so much bigger than what we are faced with.  Please continue to pray for us.

After spending every waking moment with these little ones I have come to know them very well. One of my frustrations is getting these little ones potty trained.  Little M is 4 years old and Little K is 5.  Little M is completely potty trained however yesterday she pottied her pants 3 different times.  Little K will potty her pull up all day long if you don't remind her to go potty.  There are days she will stay dry all day but then there are days when she will potty all day in her pull up.  I have tried to only put her big girl pants but then she will potty in her big girl pants and I am constantly going through clothes. I realize they have been through so much so I have to take that into consideration.  I have a reward system in place where every time they go potty they get a sticker.  She is very good at following through with this unless she is in the middle of something she enjoys.  It is much easier to go potty in her pull up than stop what she is doing and go potty where she should. I am a very patient person when it comes to bed wetting only because I use to be a bed wetter myself.  This I can handle and I feel very companionate when this happens.  It is in the day time that I get a little irritated when potting in their pants happen.

These little girls I have are very girly girl!! Its all about pinks, purple, princesses and Hello Kitty.  I decided yesterday to go buy boy pull ups.  Once I got home I pulled each girl aside.  For Little M I told her that if she potties her pants any more she will go in these.  I showed her the boy pull up.  Her eyes got really big! She said she will go in the potty from now on.  She said she did not like boy pull ups!  We sat and stared at the boy packaging with all the cars and little boy on the front.  Then I pulled out the princess pull up and I said we are not going to wear this any more.  From now on you will only wear the boy pull up if she is going to wet her pants.  She was beside herself!  Since then she has had no accidents!!!

This is what they were wearing!  Isn't is pretty?  All pink and pretty? with purple designs? 

Why would you want to be potty trained?

This is what they are wearing now.  Guess what?? We have had no accidents!!!

I took Little K (who is five years old and is NOT potty trained) aside and told her the same thing.  I pulled out the boy pull up and said from now on she is going wear this.  No more princess pull ups.  Surprisingly she said "I like them!!"  I was in disbelief!! She was NOT suppose to say that! I then pulled out the pink princess pull up and said that she will no longer wear the princess pull up except at night time.  We then stared at the boy pull up packaging and I said "this sure does look like a pull up for a boy.  Yep -- this is what you are going to be in.  Next you will be in big girl pants!"  She looked at me and said she wanted the princess pull up.  "Sorry-- you need to stop wetting you pants then you can have princess big girl pants".  I am happy to tell you there has been no accidents and she actually woke up dry!!  

I can't stand manipulation but I am giving myself to use manipulation so I never again have to buy pull ups again!!