Okay so I thought I would use this to voice my frustrations along with my achievements. Through our journey with the adoption that happened 1 1/2 years ago and this current foster care (hopefully adoption) the one element that seems to be lost is "what about the Mom?"
I must first say that I am so happy that the Lord showed me
this road. I know that I know this is
what I was created to do. This has
exposed my strengths and has majorly exposed me weaknesses. It has changed my family for the better and
has made a real difference in the children that we have given a home. I have had great days and boy I have had some
real doozies that has shaken me to the core of despair.
We recently had a birthday party for Nemo who just turned 13
years old. I was thinking it would be a
small get together because the only member of the family that were here was my
sister and her husband and 2 children, my mother in law and my brother in law. Other than that is was just our children. Small right? Well, there was my 21 yea old
son and his 2 1/2 year old daughter, my 21 daughter and her husband and her 3
1/2 year old daughter, my 14 year old daughter, my 13 year old daughter, my 13
year old birthday boy, my 10 year old son, my 4 year old daughter and my 3 year
old daughter. I tend to forget how big
we are. I caught myself many times
through the party taking a deep breath.
I would have 5 or six kids in the kitchen following me talking all at
one time asking me if they could do this and what about that.
During this party my 13 year old birthday boy was having
anxiety about his party for the past few days. He gave me a list of things he wanted for his
party plus a step by step on how he wants his birthday carried out. He first wanted to be woken up with a birthday
song. Then he wanted this and that. And days before he kept stressing out on
ordering his cake. He asked me what the
budget was on birthdays so he was figuring prices and a line up of what he
wanted. And this went on and on. This added to my stress too. During the party it was "when are we
going to open presents", "when are we going to eat cake", "when
is this and when is that". I kept
say "you need to relax and let your birthday happen. you don't have to control every aspect of
everything in order for it turn out well."
I was running really behind and I went shopping for his
presents that morning. This also
included picking up my son and his daughter.
While shopping I found this deer hunting game that I knew he would love.
The corner of the package was damaged so
I saw some more around the corner. I
grabbed one real quick and ran to the check out. While unloading the car I realized instead of
grabbing the hunting game I grabbed a game called the "Dead Walking".
This was the only thing we got him
besides cash. I about died! I can't give
him that!!! They shoot people and blood
goes everywhere. There was no way I
could go back to the store before the party to return it either.
Anyway-- people started to show up for the party. I always enjoy having get together at the
house. We had a great time. My sister jumped in to help get everything
prepared and on the table. I was just fine
until............................7/8th through the party. I was finding myself completely stressed out.
Every time I would do something there
was a child or adult asking for something else time and time again! I was holding back the tears all the way
trying to keep a smile of my face. I
feel like people are watching me, watching my patience, watching my
expressions, waiting to see if I can hold up or not. I know that these are pressures I put on myself
-- especially around most of my family.
I do have my critics who disagree with what I am doing and
maybe that is why I feel like I have to come off like every thing is "just
peachy!" I am not aloud bad days. I am not allowed to feel overwhelmed. If I was any of these things then it would
mean that I got myself in to far. It would
mean that I should have listened to my critics and should have NEVER have done
this adopting foster thing EVER!!! What was I thinking?!!
My son was leaving the party and had his hands full. So I took my granddaughter out to the vehicle.
I opened the van door to put her in and
here comes my lovely husband (who supports me in what every I do) and says
"where are the van keys?"
Immediately I lost it. First of
all --what do I do now? I don't know
where the keys are at the moment. I
would have to look for them. I can't
leave my granddaughter in the van because it is sweltering hot and she was
already getting sweaty. I am not sure
why I feel like I can loose it with my husband and no one else. My poor hubby!!! Just when I said "I
can't do this!" "I can't be
all things to all people!!!" My son
said "I got this mom" and I just started crying! Just then my sweet
mother in law and brother in law come through the gate. I walk away fast because I'm embarrassed that
"someone saw me loose it!" I had
to find the keys so the A/C can be turn on.
While finding the keys I had people trailing me asking for different
things -- this and that blah blah blah. No
one knew I was upset (expect for the unfortunate people outside). I found the keys, took them to my sweet hubby
and then back to the house. My 21 year
old daughter asked if I was okay and I was. I just needed to explode --- just once. It was a relief.
All day I couldn't remember my kids names -- I meant to say
one thing and I would say something completely wrong. I would misspeak constantly. I am catching myself STILL misspeaking on
things that I know--- but I say it wrong. It is so frustrating.
That night and the day after I had talked to my husband
about ME! I told him I cannot tell I am
over whelmed until it is too late. He
told me that ever since he knew me I ALWAYS get into different projects -- huge
projects that over extend me. I am
ALWAYS busy or have something going. For
awhile I worked full time managing a subdivision and did Pampered Chef on the
side plus ran the Southern Oregon Region of Flylady. Then after I quit Pampered Chef I decided to
run a business. All the while working
full time. The business I had was Rogue
Valley Personal Assistant. I was a
personal shopper for seniors. I had 6
employees and 50 clients and it was successful and very busy. Plus ------I can't forget I had a family of 6
people. This is just a few examples of
what I do to myself.
All the while talking with him I was boo hooing!! I looked
horrible!!! AND ridiculous!!!!!! But
afterward it was good. I often wonder if
the reason why I feel I have to be so busy is to feel successful. Hmmmm something I need to think about!!
We talked about all the things I have been in and joined and
how exiting anyone one of those would not leave a mark on anyone however taking
in 5 children and letting go of them would scare them and us FOREVER!!!! and
let me reassure you that would be the LST thin ever that we would do. I could never do that nor would I want to. I love ALL these children.
However with all this said ---- I need to STOP over
extending myself!! My only commitments should be to my JESUS, my husband and my
children. I love all of them and I want
to be the best person, the best wife and the best mom I can be. So as I care
for my husband and my children I need to also to take of me and I give myself
permission to have some down time.
Thank you for listening to me vent. I do feel better!!!!!
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