Adoption: First Week

The day after these kids arrived we went on a family camp in Bandon Oregon at Lake Bradley for 4 days.  I was wondering if this was going to be one big mistake or would this be a great experience for everyone.  I thought it might be good and a good ice breaker for Alicia and Miss J.

I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle the two little ones not knowing how they were and what their issues were.  Well I can say that the Lord knows what he is doing.  He planned all the events that took place and will take place in the future.  You would think I have learned by now not to question things.

All the way over to Bandon the little ones were saying swear words.  I would say "no -- we don't say that -- we say shoot."  I was shocked at what I was hearing.  These two little one's crack me up!  They are their own source of entertainment.  A comedy act really.  They seem so adult like with their little hand on their hip and their finger waiving in front of them as they say "I don't have to put up with this!" or "whatever!" or ".....awkward!"  We have plenty to laugh at when they are with us.  Oh my!! We must have needed more laughter in this house.

Miss J is very quiet right now.  She only speaks to adults when spoken to.  She won't look Milford or myself in the eye right now. She is very compliant, loves children, she is so good to Joshua and the other children.  I believe she is this way right now because she is scared and unsure of us and our family.  By looking at her Facebook she is completely different than what we are seeing right now.  I can tell that she is a girl that was left to her own devices.  I do believe that will change too as her life with be pretty miserable if she continues on living that way specially for the consequences that she will have.  I am so glad she is here.

I was pleasantly surprised that at family camp Alicia and Miss J wrote a song for the talent show.  The words were about reading Gods word and how it talks about how he loves us.  They sang the song in front of everyone!!!!!!!!! I was so proud and encouraged that Miss J does know the Lord. We just need to shelter her from those outside influences that are corrupting her.  Pray for her please!!!!!!!!!!!

For little M and little K -- it is so evident that they got their way too many times.  They are snotty to each other and when you correct them they will yell back at you.  Sorry -- not happening here! Time out is getting very popular.  I put Miss K in time out and she started inflicting pain on herself.  I thought for sure she was going to stop anytime but she kept slamming her hand on the hard floor.  Her hand was really red.  Finally I sat in front of her and held her hand in mine while in time out as she tugged and pulled to get away.  After she sat there I asked if she was going to be good and she said nodded her head "yes".  She gave me a hug and said "love you momma". I told her we don't hurt our selves.  We use our hands to hug and to pet things and to be soft.  We don't use our hands to hurt ourselves or other people.  She said "okay" and has not done it since but I am sure I will see it again sometime.  

It has taken them 4 days to learn that when I say "if you do that again you will go in time out" I am completely serious.  They now answer me right away and say they will be good.  If I ask them if they are going to be good while in time out and they choose not to answer me -- I say "okay you can stay there" and I walk away for 5 more minutes.  I come back and ask the question again.  If they ignore me I just say the same thing.  We had to repeat this but now when I ask them a question in time out they answer me when I ask it.  

I have a feeling that one girl was favored over the other.  Miss K (5) tells me how her foster mom hurt her.  She wet the bed and looked at me with these big eyes and asked "is she going to find out?" I reassured her that she will not find out and she is not getting spanking for wetting the bed.  She has said others things that kills me to her but then so happy they are with me so I can love all over them!!! The Lord is good.

This cluster of siblings have been placed in our home for foster care.  There is one homestudy that is in the works that is a family member that lives in California.  There is a small chance that they might go there if they are approved.  From my understanding DHS thinks this will fail.  If this fails there is no other family to contact so we would be able to adopt.  Please pray for us as we blend together.  Please pray for Miss J -- she is having just a really hard time.

Adoption: Transition day 1

In these next post that I write -- because these kids are in forster care I can not use their names or post pictures of their faces for their protection.  So just no that as you read on.

I got a call from the state saying they were just around the corner with the kids.  I ran as fast as I could to my husband saying to him we need to go outside and be there when they pull up into the drive way. My knees were knocking and I was so nervous! I had never experienced this before.  These poor kids were just taken from their relative placement unwillingly.  This would be the seventh placement these kids have had in their young age. The kids didn't see why they were being taken -- they loved her!

The van pulls into the drive way.  These two precious little ones get out of their booster seats and they came over to me.  No smiling faces and tears streaming down their cheeks.  They both came right up to me and held my hand.  "Little M" who is 4 years old wears glasses and she has these dimples that are so irresistible asked "are we staying with you?"  I bent down and said "yes you are and I so happy you are here!"  She asked "are you going to take me to Teresa house?" I said "not today".  Then she said in her small little voice "are you our mommy?"  I said "you can call me mom if you want."  Little M said "okay lets go see Teresa".  I said "Guess what?" she looked up at me I said "Do you like baby ducks?" and she said shook her head "no", I said "do you like rabbits?" and she shook her head "no".  I though OH NO!! but then again this little one is only 4.  I said "do you like kitty cats?" she shook her head "no".  I got to find something she liked so I continued on the same thing with chickens and doggie.  The same answer was "no".

Little K who is 5 got on the other side and held my hand.  She looked up at me with this huge toothless smile that is so cute.  I told her she was so pretty and I was so glad they are here! She said "mom can we go see our room?' I said we will in just a bit.  She said that Miss J is crying really bad. I told her she will be okay.

Just this introduction alone -- I knew these kids need to be with me! They were so broken and so scared and all I could think was to gather them around me and comfort them as much as I could.  The Lord knows regardless of what other people think about us doing this.  I have tons of people who encourage us but those who don't I tend to get very upset because they have know idea what you could mean to other children.

Miss J who is 13 years old was still in the van crying.  She wouldn't look at anyone.  We gave her some space and let her be alone.  I went in the house and got her a warm wash rag to wipe her make up that smeared all over because of her tears.  She sat in the van for about 45 minutes.  Finally I went up to her and told her it was going to be okay.  I could only imagine what was going through her mind as this was the third foster placement she had been in.  I told her lets go to the house and she can be in the room alone if she wants. 

Once we were in the house I took her to the room and let her call her grandmother.  This was at the state workers request.  She gladly called her and cried and cried to her grandmother.  I felt horrible! There was nothing I could do at that moment.  She didn't want me.  She wanted to go back to her aunt where they were just taken from moments ago.  I let them talk for several minutes.  After about 30 minutes I went in and got my phone.  She was curled up in a fetal like position on the bed crying.  About an hour later I went in and she was sound asleep so I closed the door and let her sleep.

I decided to go through the bag of clothes that was brought in with the kids.  The whole bag was for the two little girls.  Not one stitch of clothing was for Miss J.  The only clothes she had was the ones she was wearing. I had a little panic attack! We found out yesterday it was a 100% that they were be with us so financially we had no warning and we were going to the coast tomorrow.  She little short shorts were not gonna cut it for the coast.  After discussing it with the state worker they decided to give me a clothing voucher.  I would have to go cloth shopping with Miss J within the next hour.  How was that gonna work?  She had been at the house for about 3 hours at this point and I really don't even know what she looks like. 

I decided to go in and wake her up.  I went in and said "Miss J I have to ask of you something that is going to be very hard right now.  You have no clothes at all.  Nothing has been packed for you.  We are going to get some clothes so we can have them before we leave for Family Camp tomorrow."  She said in a small voice "okay - can you give me a minute?"  I said "sure".  I walked out and my heart was so warmed by that little soft response from her.  About 10 minutes later I told her it was time to go.  But before leaving I needed to introduce her to the rest of the family. She gave her sweet smile and her little delicate laugh and she said "nice to meet you".  I could tell -- this girl is so so so broken and so torn up inside.  Lord please heal her.

Once we got in the van Alicia of course just started talking and talking.  It is something she does so well.  She is so random and just talked about anything.  If she doesn't have anything to talk about she will think of something -- anything. 

I asked Miss J if she went to church anywhere.  She told me she grew up in church.  I said "really?????" I was so excited! She did say that when she went to live with her aunt she stopped going because they did not go.  But she was so excited to be going back.  The Lord is so GOOD to us!!! He leads us to these kids that love going to church.  That is a battle we won't have to deal with and I am so thankful.

From that point on for the rest of the night it was okay and the ice had been broke.  Between little ones telling me to "talk to the hand" Whatever" when they are being addressed, pottied pants, laughing screaming, telling me "no, they are NOT going to do something and me pointing them in the other direction with them staring dart eyes at me and just about everything else.....it was an okay day.  

The little ones were in bed by 7:00pm and asleep by 7:30pm.  WOW that was an accomplishment! Miss J, Alicia, Nemo and Josh were in bed by 9:00pm.  Whew!! Now I needed to pack for tomorrow for family camp and to prepare my self for an active day tomorrow.

Adoption: Don't Be Discouraged but Be Encouraged!!

Our kids are coming home today.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears! On one side I am so excited and I can't wait to get to know them and care for them.  They all are yearning for a mother and I am ready.  But on then I am on the verge of tears because of how many people are for you and the realization of how many people are against you or think badly of you for making this giant step.  The people you think would be your main encouragers and be there for you when you just need to talk are your main discouragers.  I can't dwell around people like this.  When I am going through something this big I have to surround myself with those who are uplifting and encourage me to press on.  

When the Lord paves the way -- He does not mess around.  No doors are not pried open, you don't have to look for a window to make things happen, it is easy and the Lords finger prints are all over it.  If the Lord says this is going to happen -- it happens. So to those who don't agree with what I am doing -- that is okay.  I do not answer to you -- I answer to my savior.  Just keep your negative opinions to yourself and talk with someone else about how you disagree with me. To those who encourage me.....bless you!! I know the Lord has placed you in my life to keep me going.  If I were to change my mind these three children would have been separated on Friday (tomorrow) and sent to different homes.  This move could have been the very thing to cause these children to live for the world only.  These children need our family.  My husband is just as passionate on this subject as I am.  These children who are in a relative placement right now are being neglected to the point it is an emergency to get them out of there.  With tears streaming down my face at this point I sincerely want to thank those who support me and who encourage me to press on with the Fathers plan.  Sincerely.....THANK YOU!!!!

Adoption: Our Next Steps

Many of you know that my husband and I wanted to adopt again.  Even though we adopted two teenagers a year ago we wanted to do this again.  I believe that our children can be great role models for one another.  Our last adoption was a success and we pray the Lord has his hand in the next one too.  In order to continue on the adoption track our homestudy needed to be updated.  This is what it entails.

Our adoption worker had to interview each of my kids that lived in the house alone, interview my husband and I together and then an interview alone (making sure we agree on what we want). Then she had to come out to the house and went through a huge check list making sure there are no cribs in closets, making sure we had smoke detectors, the correct fire extinguisher on hand, first aid kit stocked, guns locked up, and so on. 

After the check list was done then she still had to talk with the children who were out of the house.  We had to turn in reference letters and she had to hear back from them.  This seems like a lot however since she already had a homestudy in place she was just adding to our all ready existing one.

As far as I knew as of yesterday she was almost done with ours.  I knew it was going to be any day that we would have access to an excusive website that had all the children in Oregon that was up for adoption.  Most of them have some sort of legal risk attached to them.  "Legal risk" means that there is a chance there could be a family member out there they have not found at this point that would have preference over us or their parent rights have not been terminated or evoked but it looks like that is the track they are on.

We have been talking to our kids about this process.  Preparing them for what could happen.  I tell them that God has a plan for us.  If he chooses to place children in our home for a season and decided they go back to their parent or reletive -- then that is his plan.  I told them that they might need to remind me of my own words because if that did happen I would be the biggest cry baby of all.  We have to remember while kids are with us we have a job. That job is to introduce them to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  We may have a season of time with them or hopefully when they come they will stay with us forever.  But remember -- We don't know what tomorrow will be hold but we know who holds tomorrow.

This time around we knew it would take a little longer (probably a lot longer) because our last adoption was very abnormal in the sense where things just clicked along and fell into place as if God was putting the puzzle together in front of us.  It was breath taking, scary but yet an excitement that is indescribable.  Our adoption worker has been doing this line of work for about 24 years.  She has NEVER seen an adoption go this fast EVER! She has said this more than once to me.  All I can say is that we prayed our way through this!  I also know why it went fast and who made it go fast.  The Lord is AWSESOME and brilliant in his work.

Going into this for the second time we were going to be "picky" this time.  Not just adopt to adopt.  We wanted anywhere from 2 to 3 girls.  Ages ranging from 8 to 12 would be good.  I desired 3 the whole time.  I have never waivered in that area.  We did want a sibling group.  The hard part was to find them.  Were they out there?  The Lord would lead our steps.

After searching on adoptuskids.org there were no sibling groups of 3 girls in the age group that we wanted.  That website spans over the whole USA -- this kind of gave me the preparation of "this might take awhile" -- But it is all in Gods timing.  I needed to remember the "Gods timing part" because you will never believe the email I got today.

The email asked me "would I be interested in a 13yr, 5yr and 4 yr girl?"  I about fell out of my chair!! I thought it was going to take much longer for all this to happen? 

To be continued.................

Adoption: Nemo and His Latest Stunt

This marks a first for me and my family.  Nemo was jumping on the trampoline last Thursday and broke one of our rules and ended up breaking his arm.  The rule that Nemo broke is that when you are exiting off the trampoline you need to stop jumping and get off.  We had a gathering of people at our house that day.  Kids were unaware of the rules we had in place. Instead of Nemo letting them know the rules he joined in like there were no rules at all.  He was doing what all the other kids were doing. Nemo decided run and jump and throw himself head first with arms sticking out off the trampoline.  He is very capable of following directions the question is....is he going to follow the direction you have set or is he going to do what He wants.  It is usually the latter.

He comes running in the house holding his wrist in pain saying that he can't feel his fingers.  He also started to go into a hot sweat.  We had him sit down while I hurried and got some ice.  I knew that he really did hurt himself and we were going to have to leave to the emergency room. 

Once we get him in the car and on our way he was starting to calm down.  Half way there he started laughing and making jokes.  I started to think "is he really hurt?"  I kept thinking back to the hot sweats, the panic and the pain he was in coming into the house.  Of course he was hurt! Out of 6 of my kids none of them have broken any bones until this day.  I was not expecting the laughing and the joking on the way to the emergency room. 

Over the past year Nemo has gotten hurt but he made it much bigger than what it was because he wanted attention.  Seeing his sister go through knee surgery and the attention she was getting he was a little jealous.  At least we were on our way to the hospital and there would be X-rays to help with the diagnosis.  While he was joking I thought maybe he just jammed it or dislocated it.  Anyway -- My mind was going from this thought to that thought.  If only I could just trust what he was telling me.  I felt almost guilty for not believing him and second guessing everything.

While we were in the waiting room he kept asking me "Mom, are worried for me?" I would reply "I am concerned but I know you will be okay."  Just then a little girl came into the emergency room.  She could hardly breath.  She had been kicked in the chest in her karate class.  Nemo noticed the absolute concern on my face for this poor little struggling girl.  He said "Mom, why are you so worried for her but your not worried for me?" I explained to him that he is not in dyer pain right now.  He is telling jokes.  I know he will be okay.  Just then a little boy came in the emergency room with his head split open.  Blood was all over his shirt.  Nemo looked at me "Mom, why are so worried for him and not for me?"  All the time in the emergency room I felt like I was being tested by this 12 year old boy.  I was being analyzed at every turn.

Nemo gets so much attention from us but it was so evident that he was attention deprived.  I asked him "are you wanting attention?" He said "yes, I like attention.  I like it when people are concerned about me. I like it when your worried for me, I like it when people do things for me."  Well at least he was being honest with me about that.

They called us back after waiting for about 1 1/2 hours.  They were going to take X-rays.  Of course they couldn't tell us anything.  They took us back into the waiting room so we can wait another hour.  This was a horrible day to come to the emergency room.

We finally got called back to the room.  The nurse came in and said "well I have good news and I have bad news.  The bad news is his arm is defiantly broken, the good news is that if your gonna have a break this is where you want it".  I was so relieved that he was being honest with me.  I was so happy that I did take him to the emergency room.  He has lied to me so many times about the extent of pain he is in that it is just a hard call on when to take him serious.  Its like the boy who cried wolf. 

 Poor Nemo!! Him and his broken arm.

The nurse comes back in with all of her stuff to put on a temporary cast.  He was so excited about getting a cast.  I took a picture of him once it is on.  His immediate question is "are you gonna put it on Facebook?"  I thought this boy was gonna split a lip he was so happy.  The Dr warned him that "just wait -- you are gonna be miserable!" 

 Poor Nemo! Give it a week or so.

He will have his cast on for one month or so.  Sad thing is we are going to family camp at the coast in about 2 weeks.  I will keep you posted.

Joshua Eddy -- A Young Man Who Made A Difference

Sorry I have not posted anything the last few days. I was stopped in my tracks not getting much of anything accomplished.  May 5th marks a day that will be remembered forever.  Joshua Eddy slipped off a rock while taking a picture and slipped into the Rogue River.  I personally have never talked with him however my son knew him and my niece graduated with him.  I have met his mom this past March during the speech tournamanet.  The yearning, the despair, the cries for not understanding were enough to rip anyones heart out.  My friends were huring so bad. I was hurting for Josh's family and friends too.  Days went  by and it was beautiful in once sence but heart wrenching at the same time.

On Sunday night after all this happened I lay there awake in my bed-- desperate to go to sleep.  The Lord kept pressing me to write something on facebook to my hurting friends.  Feeling very inadequate and feeling that this is such a raw moment for everyone I was very hesitant.  I thought maybe a pastor should do this -- not measly me. 

Memorizing scripture is very hard for me however on this night the Lord kept giving me scripture after scripture to put in what he was going to have me write.  Finally at 2 am I sat at the computer and this is what the Lord had me write to my friends that means so much to me.

After several hours of no sleep I kept feeling the prompting of the Lord to get up and write something he has to say to those who are going through so much pain and sorrow after the passing of Joshua Eddy. I tried to talk the Lord out of it because I was feeling very inadequate. I was thinking he needed to call on someone who was a pastor or something. Finally several hours later I set myself a...t the computer praying my way through this. These are words the Lord wants you to hear today.

My precious flock -- I am the Lord Almighty, The creator of all. Do not be sad but let your tears be turned to joy. I have Josh with me. I know it is hard to understand right now why I took him but all this will be so clear in the not to distant future. Trust in me.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalms 46:10

I know you loved him but I loved him more. I knitted him together in his mothers womb. I had a plan for him and a purpose and he fulfilled what I had in mind. He did finish well!  

 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalms 139:13

Yes he was my work put on this earth for my purpose. He served my purpose well. He was an amazing young man living each day to glorify my name.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD:
and he delights in his way.
Psalms 37:23

His journey on earth was done. Your life is like a movie film. You can only see what has happened in the past and the here and now. I look down from the heavens and I can see the beginning, middle and the ending. Make your life count for me! Stop living for yourself. I created you for my purpose just like I did Joshua. I have a purpose for your life. Use my light to see where to step and which way to go. I am with you always just like I was with Joshua.

You will hear a voice behind you saying,
"This is the way. Follow it, whether it turns to the
right or to the left."
Isaiah 30:21

Trust in me my precious ones. I took him not to hurt you. Not to cause you pain and sorrow. I love you too much to do that to you. Accept my embrace so I can comfort you and dry your tears.

I took him to safety. I took him because I loved him so much. If only you knew how much I love him and how much I love you. Make your life count for me! I know his death looks tragically painful but it was quick. He did not suffer. The heavens opened up and ushered him in. If only you can see his face of peace and love that he has right now your mind would be at rest. Press in to me, let me comfort you during this time. You are so precious to me. I hurt when you hurt. I cry when you cry. If only you could see the big picture. I have grand plans for you. Trust in me!!

Your life is vapor. It is here one minute and gone the next.

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.
You are just a vapor that appears for a little while
and then vanishes away.
James 4:14

Live for me like Joshua did. I place people in your life to serve a purpose. Let your sorrows turn to joy. Celebrate his life. He is in a much better place now. No more pain and sorrow. Yes his body may still be missing but know that was a temporary housing where I kept his soul. His soul is with me now in heaven. Make sure your mind does not stray and get all distracted because they cannot find him. You know where he is. He is in the arms of his loving savior -- the One who created him. I love you my precious one!!

After posting this -- the mood changed.  The posts started coming in not so much as dispare but aknowledging Joshua life and what he had accomplished and what he meant to them.  It was a beautiful thing! Please continue to pray for those who were close to him and his family.  They are still hurting and missing their friend, son and brother.

This article below was written by a lady named Marliss Bombarbier.  She did a fabulous job telling about him and his life.

On Saturday, Josh Eddy, age 19, stood on the banks of the Rogue River in southern Oregon. The river, one of the original eight rivers designated as “Wild and Scenic” by Congress in 1968 for its amazing beauty and wilderness, was in spate with snow melt and raging with power. Josh, an artist with the camera, adjusted his camera settings, turned to the river to take a picture, and… fell in.
Josh was one of nine children in a homeschooling family that moved from Portland to Grant’s Pass a few years ago. He was very much a part of the huge homeschooling community in Oregon and Washington. I never spoke to him myself, but he was a dear friend to young people I know and love. Their world has been rocked. There is a sense of invulnerability when all life is in front of you, your body works well and you move with confidence, and your mind is sharp and facile. Then to have one of your own snatched away in a moment… Life suddenly becomes, oh, so precious, and oh—so fragile.

I prayed with some of Josh’s friends on Sunday at church. I wanted to just make it okay so badly, but I couldn’t. God is sovereign, and He is always wise and good, and always does what is best for His children out of His infinite love. That is our comfort, our peace, and our joy even when it hurts so much we hardly want to draw the next breath. These children are learning that lesson so early in life. I would have spared them, but I am not God and I don’t love them like He does.

I am thankful that these young people have a staunch faith in God. They hurt, but they know that Josh is rejoicing with Jesus, and they would not wish him back. They know that “precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints,” and “a good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.” They know that for a Christian, “it is not death to die.”
Josh was in love with God and focused on His glory. You can learn about the heart of this young man here: The Bright and Hopeful Unknown. A post dated April 6^th is entitled, “To Die Well…” He thought about death a lot, and deeply desired to sacrifice himself for something worthwhile…to die that someone else might live. I have no doubt that God is answering that prayer.

It is easy to speculate about the ministry this extraordinary young man may have had in life, but already people near and far are being impacted by Josh’s writings and by testimonies shared about him. His blog has had more than 10,000 views, almost all of them in the past few days. Visit the Facebook page created on Sunday as a memorial, Joshua Steven Eddy, and read what friends and family have posted about his life and how he encouraged them to fight the good fight of faith.
What the world sees as a senseless, wasted death, God is using to bring Himself great glory. “God works all things together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to His purpose.” Josh will have a wider and deeper ministry in his death than he would have if he had lived. In God’s economy, nothing is ever senseless or wasted.

Scripture: Psa. 116:15; Eccl. 7.1; Rom. 8:28. Song title from Henri Malan (1787-1864) translated into English by George Bethune (1847).

Another place to learn more about Josh is here: First Impressions: The Movie. Josh was Director of Photography for this movie written, produced, directed, acted in, and filmed by homeschoolers. “First Impressions is an original full-length film based on the book by Jane Austen, ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ set in modern times, but with ‘flashbacks’ into Jane Austen’s story weaved in as the protagonist reads the book.” It is in the editing process, and is projected to be released in the fall. The picture is of Josh poised on the roof, filming.

Adoption: Introducing Alicia

Now for my sweet Alicia --

It all seemed to be going okay except for her singing really loud in the car on the way home.  The first few days were fine.  I did notice that she had bully tendencies with the younger kids.  She would stand on her toes and arch over them and say "oh yea?" expecting them to cower or back down.  We immediately addressed this.  There was a time when I backed her in the corner and was inches from her face giving back what she was doing to the others.  She was not happy but neither was I.  There is no room in our home for bullies.  We had to really watch her for the first month.  After that, it did not happen as much and now thinking back it has been a long time since anything like that has even occurred.  

 

A lot of her problems was that she was 12 years old going on 13.  She is the type of girl that knows what you are going ask before you ask it.  Her response is always "I know".  She will cut you off in mid sentence and say "I know". So just for kicks a lot of the time I would pause right when she says it and say "What was a going to say?" Sometimes she would get it right but more often than not she was wrong on what I was going to say.  

 

There was an incident that was a major turning point in our home life.  There were times when she was flat out rude.  There is no other way to put it.  When people would talk to her and she did not want to listen she would turn up the volume on her MP3 player and mouth the words to the song like no one was talking to her.  I watched this a few times and it was getting me frustrated.  The straw that broke the camels back was she got put in a "time out".  Yes she was going on 13 years old and she was put in a time out.  I was talking to her and she turned up the volume on her MP3 player on me (while being addressed).  I told her that she is going to her room when we get home until dinner time.  I turned to walk away and looked back and she stuck out her tongue at me.  I took a couple minutes to collect myself and then I walked over to her (very calm) and took her MP3 player from her -- told her this is now mine.  She is not old enough for one of these obviously.  The MP3 player stayed in my possession for at least a month.  I told her before she got it back that I needed to see a major attitude changes.  

Once we got home that afternoon she went to her bedroom as ordered.  She crawled in her covers and was sleeping like a baby.  I was furious because she was feeling no effect from her being disciplined.  

To back up just a bit when she did come to us she had trouble sleeping so I would give her an over the counter sleeping pill once in a while to help her until she got adjusted.  Well on this day I thought to myself she can sleep all day if she wants to but I am NOT giving her a sleeping pill tonight.  She can lay there awake all night for all I care.  In the evening I got her up for dinner.  When it was time for bed she said very sweetly "can I have a sleeping pill tonight?" I replied "Sorry -- you should of thought about that before you slept your day away. The answer is NO"!

 

The next morning she got up and said "Ah.....that was the best night sleep I had in a long time!" Her smile was from ear to ear.  I literally was burning inside.  I let it go but thought the next time she got in trouble and I caught her sleeping she would be in her the next day too.  That next night she asked for a sleeping pill I said "no, you had a great night sleep last night I think you are all fixed."  She replied with "well, I actually lied -- that night was horrible!"  I told her she still does not get a sleeping pill.  It took me a few days to realize that I won that battle but it sure had a lot of ups and downs and it took a couple of days to succeed.

 

Someone told me awhile back something that really rang true to me.  Try with all your might not to get in a confrontation with your child but if you find yourself in one -- NEVER LOSE! 

Another thing that she would do is roll her eyes and stomp away and smart mouth as she was leaving.  This took a couple times to get this under control but it did work.  Here is what happened with an episode regarding that.

When she would bully the other kids or tell them to shut up or something really unacceptable I would tell her to "come here" to me.  She would come over and I would tell her that "we do not talk that way to one another.  We do not call names or tell someone to shut up.  Are words are to build one another up not to tear them down.  Tell them your sorry".  She would roll her eyes and turn around and stomp off with a major attitude.  I would tell her to "get back here".  We are going to try this again.  "You do not smart mouth me or anyone else.  Now go tell them your sorry for what you did".  She would do the same thing with her snotty attitude.  I would say "Nope-- come back her and lets try this again". I would then make her stand in "time out" by the wall (not in the corner).  The last time she did this she broke down in tears and melted down to the floor sliding her body up against the wall.  This was a precious moment because her guard was down and she opened up and was talking about her birth family.  I sat there and listened as she sobbed.  Before she was angry but now she was a soft young lady tired of fighting to get her own way. We then hugged and continued on our day.  It did not take long to break the stomping away and back talk attitude.  Consistency was my friend.

 

Now when I ask her about it and she gets this grin on her face and she said she was thinking....."Who is this lady? And what is up with all these rules?"

I was thankful that none of these kids were the type to yell at me or say they hate me or they never physically fought with eachother (at least since they had been at my home).  Maybe because they had a feeling that would not go over to well.  I never backed down with my bio children and I would never back down to them either.  

 

I have three biological boys.  They have never physically fought with each other.  I would not allow them to wrestle because that would be breed frustration.  I grew up in a home where us siblings fought constantly.  I am surprised we didn't kill each other.  I did not want that for my children.  Now -- they would get into an argument every now and then but never physically fought with one another.  Bringing these kids in and already having that boundary established really worked for our benefit.  These kids came in to our home fighters (have to defend themselves).  Having this rule -- they never had to defend themselves so fighting has never been an issue.

Alicia was changing from the inside out.  After going through what we went through it is so amazing to see her so sweet and caring.

There is still more to come so stay tuned.......................

Adoption: Introducing Nehemiah

The first few months of having the new kids were something else.  You would think because you had other kids that things would just go as normal and they would find their place and fit it.  Well I quickly found out through trial and error that is not true.  Adding two more children threw me off balance and my home was not running like it use to.  From the little things to the big things. From supplies, food and just basic running of the home.  I love being an at home mom but now I was a Home Manager (which I still love).

 During the "honeymoon period" Nehemiah (Nemo) in a lot of ways was a "perfect" boy except for his dare devil attempts and his hyperactivity.  I had to leave the kids at home alone one day for some reason I can't remember.  This was after we had them for awhile and I knew they were safe to leave by themselves.  If I had any fear for the safety of one of them then I would have NEVER done that.  When I got home after being gone 1 1/2 hours Nemo showed me a scrape that he got when he fell off the ROOF!!  What in the world was he doing on the roof of all places?! We had been there for 3 years.  Joshua, Ben and Clay have never been on the roof.  Yes, I was not happy.  The next day after the roof incident my husband was outside mowing the lawn.  He could hear a faint "dad" coming from somewhere.  He stops, looks around and then looks over the house top and Nemo was in our front yard at the top of a 50 foot pine tree as it is swaying back and forth.  Nemo just a waving like he is on some ride at a carnival grinning from ear to ear yelling "Look at me dad!" My husband about swallowed his tongue.  He quickly told him to get down from there NOW sign!  Nemo could tell in his urgency that he meant business.  Once he got down he had pitch all over him and his clothes.  That tree was full of broken branches and extremely dangerous.  You will see that we have to set rules as we go.  One more rule we had to add to this list was no climbing beyond a certain point of this tree.  We rent our home we live in.  We had to sign a document that we would not do any trimming period on the property except for the lawn.  In a lot of ways I felt that he was doing the things he was doing because he never had a mom that really worried about his safety. He would create that environment to see me worry.  Even though my worry came out in anger and frustration -- if it was good attention he would do it.  If he got negative attention he would do it.  As long as he got "attention" then he was happy.

This boy had no filter on what was dangerous and what was not! That is called Cause and Effect.  In your classes you will learn about that.  An effect is what happens as a result of the cause.  He also had an activity level that would put a room of 3 year olds to shame.  I could hear him in the mornings bounce down the hallway when we was getting up.  Once he reached the living room he would bounce from couch to couch.  He was laughing and talking really loud. He would get the dog all hyped up. Things would go from calm to chaos in about 30 seconds.  Usually everyone wakes up and is fairly quiet for a time and then by 9:00 kids are getting dressed and getting ready to start school. Things are very low key in the mornings at the Bowers home........ until Nemo arrived.  This could not continue.  It would set the mood for the day.  I would often wonder about how did the foster mom do this.  It was so evident that he needed meds just to have a normal coping life.  I am not a person who runs and gets my kids on medications just because.  In fact I have 2 children that have ADHD that I have been able to manage without meds however Nemo was a sever case.  He needed help.

His attitude would go from happy to angry in minutes.  Josh and him would be playing really good and then he would hit a switch and it would go to "don't talk to me!".  Josh would come to me with hurt feeling all the time.  We quickly realized what was happening and put two and two together that this was not Bipolar but more of a control issue that he had when it comes to younger kids.  If you put him in a room with kids his age he is very out of sorts, out of his element.  He acts very shy and timid.  He will pick the troubled kids to be with because those are the ones who would accept him because he would tolerate their bad behavior even if it was directed at him.  He would join in on their mischievous ways.  If you put him in with younger kids he would control them and bully the younger kids.  With Joshua being almost 3 years younger than him we have really had to coach Joshua in standing up for himself. We did this in front of Nemo and drilled in to him he is not allowed to control Joshua in anyway shape or form.  With Joshua being homeschooled most of his life he has never had to stand up for himself.  People have always been very kind to him.  Finally Joshua has found his voice when it comes to Nemo and he does stand up to him.  We are very proud of Joshua in this way.  He also is very much a leader when it comes to Nemo and Nemo looks up to Joshua in many ways.  Joshua is also responsible for many ways that Nemo has changed for the better.  Because the two are playmates and are always together -- Joshua sees things that we don't see or know about until later.  Joshua is there to warn Nemo about what he is doing that could get him in trouble.  If Nemo follows through with what he is doing then we find out about it and Nemo gets in trouble.  Nemo has made the comment more than once that he wishes he was like Joshua in many ways because he does not lie, cheat or steal.  He is very kind to people. Even though Joshua is younger he is still a great role model for Nemo.

He also would have thoughts of hurting himself.  I made an agreement with him that if he did have those thoughts I wanted him to come and get me immediately.  He kept his part of the agreement.  I could breath easy at least up to a point until we got in to the Dr's.  The appointment was a few days out.  The Dr. decided on a certain medication for his ADHD.  It took a few tries to find the one that works for him the best.  He is on Medidate 60 MG.  This is the highest dosage for this medicaiton.  He has no negative reactions to it.  It is wonderful.  I can tell within 30 minutes if he has not taken his medication.  He is also on a small dosage of Paxil for his thoughts of hurting himself.  Since he has been on those life has changed here at the Bowers home.

I am so thankful this boy is with us! He needed to be here so bad.  Most of these behaviors could not be helped.  Sometimes kids do need assistance by means of medication to live a normal functional life.  I wish I could jump to where we are today because you would not believe it!

To Be Continued.....

Adoption: A Few Trick Of The Trade

I was so excited to get the kids home because this would be real hands on training for this adoption.  Yes we took classes, I read a bunch of book, I go to the adoption support group once a month and I do have 4 other children so I should be prepared and it would be no big deal, right? Well, it was and still is a big deal. Now that these kids have been with us for a year it is not as hard as it was in the beginning but it is still hard.  One thing I didn't realize is that these children have learned to "Survive".  This is a term that has help me rationalize why they do some of the things they do.  Yes they have learned to "survive" and make decisions out of a child's brain.  Kids should not be in the position to make decisions that adults should make for them.  Manipulation is an every day word in our home and when it happens it is addressed immediately and shut down.  Some of the things they will do will literally shock you so bad you will be stop and have to shake your head and think "did I just hear what I think I did?"  Hang in there -- regardless of what you are going through these kids will conform to your ways (hopefully).  These kids are desperate for structure, boundries, responsiblity and most of all love and acceptance. 

There some key things that we have done that has made this a successful adoption.  I wanted to share those things with you before getting on to a day and life with us.  If I forget anything I will be sure to mention it as we go along.

Thankfully I did not have to put them in public school.  I believe this is the reason why these kids have bonded with us so well.  I have homeschooled 2 of my other children and I was praying I would be able to homeschool these kids as well.  The State of Oregon does not accept traditional homeschooling as a way of schooling these children.  However, there is a charter school in our area called Logos Public Charter School.  I am not endorsing this school by any means.  I am stating what has worked for us.  This school is indeed a public school in every sense of the word but it is in a homeschool setting.  Some (not all) of these children who go to this school have been kicked out of their normal school. Some (not all) are not Christian kids so you still need to be aware of what friends they have. My kids take one class on Mondays and one class on Fridays.  Other than that they are home learning from me. Their time at the school is very limited and you have the choice whether to sign them up for classes at the school or not.  Logos does try to have a say in what you teach your children.  It needs to match up with the State requirements.  I believe you can put the Lord in what ever is being taught.  I would much rather do this than put them in public school where I would drop them off and they can be one person at school and someone totally different at home. Keep in mind we adopted border age teenagers so this was very important.  For Nemo this would have been the worst thing in the world I could have done for him.  I will fill you in on that later. I got to know these kids fast and very well.  I was willing to enter into this charter school if this meant I can homeschool these children.  Now that our adoption is final I am not going with Logos next year however we are adopting again so I will sign the new kids up with Logos and do the same thing as I did before until the adoption is final.  Once the adoption is final, they are yours and you do with them as you wish.

Another key element for us is that we have an amazing church family.  We go to Applegate Christian Fellowship.  This fellowship I will endorse!! The children love the youth group.  We all leave feeling fed and touched by the Lord! If we don't go to church we pay for it big time.  We usually always go because we love being there as well as the kids.  There are college age kids who are leading the youth group.  They have been so good to my new kids as well as my bio children.  I know that the reason my son Clay, who is almost 18 years old, is on the track for being a pastor. I give credit to this fellowship and the Lords covering. It is because of the wonderful leadership in that fellowship.  Alicia has grown into a beautiful young lady who is passionately in love with the Lord because of the mentors that have crowded around her and have accepted her completely. These people have helped her deal with what she has been through in the past. I am forever grateful. The Lord has met us where we needed him most!

One more thing that I feel I need to mention -- You have to be consistent!!! I cannot say this enough.  Your husband and you have to be a united front ALWAYS!! It is amazing that when you are going into this experience it will draw the two of you together if you are united. You will be pulled apart if you go about this from differnt angles.  Working together is the key.  If only I realized this when we were raising our blended family I wouldn't have felt so distant from my husband at times.  This is one of those times when I mentioned that this adoption has changed our family for the better.

The children need chores and responsibilities.  I have posted our chores on one of the posts on this blog.  

 

I hope this is helpful.  I am by no means an expert.  All I can share are my experiences.  If you have any questions for me, please ask. I will reply the best I can. I love to talk on this subject.  I believe we can always learn from one another's experiences. Blessings!

To Be Continued..........

Adoption: Headed Home

On Monday morning we left Clay and Joshua at the hotel and arrived at the children school.  We had an appointment with the counselor.  She would fill us in on the kids grades and how they did academically.  I was looking forward to this since I homeschool all my kids.  This would be very helpful.  

They listed their concerns about Nemo.  They said that Nemo's age group has their own clicks and hangs out together while Nemo has very little friends, gets into trouble frequently and walks the halls with a stuffed animal under his arm.  He might have an 11 year old body but he is very immature for his age.  We didn't know how immature until he had been with us for awhile.  He was in the 7th grade but was doing adding and subtracting in math.  His reading was grade level which was surprising.  I could tell by the way he speaks he is a very bright boy.  They told me that regardless of his problems he meant well and was very tender hearted.

Then they talked about Alicia.  They really didn't have any real great concerns for her.  Her reading level was grade level.  She was behind in math but that was because of the holes in her learning.  They said she was a sweetheart.  Based on what I saw in her at the time (we just met a few days ago) she didn't trust anyone.  She knew the people at the school and she liked being at school.  Since the kids just met us she was very closed off.  I was praying that she would open up and "be happy".

After clearing out lockers, returning over due books, and saying goodbye to people who had been so important in these kids life, we were headed to the foster home to get their things.  There were no tears! They were happy to get going!  I believe they both were happy for permenacy.  Once we were at the foster home we went in and did our best to gather up what was theirs.  Once things were all packed up we headed back to the hotel to load up our things and to collect our two others that were left at the hotel.  Once the van and the truck were all packed we headed out to their new permanent home in Central Point, Oregon.

Milford took Clay with him and I took Alicia, Nemo and Josh with me.  All the way there I was thankful Milford was in another car because Alicia had he MP3 going and she was singing really loud, headphones in, like she was the only one in the car.  I kept trying to figure out how in the world was I going to tell her to sing quietly without hurting her feelings.  For 5 hours straight I had to endure this!

 

All the way home I was thinking about little situations that we had happened and how I would handle them differently at home.  I was thinking of things I didn't get to before bringing the kids home.  I kept praying that the Lord help me be a good mom and help me learn to love these children as my own. I prayed that the other kids would learn to love them as their own siblings.  I had tons of prayers and concerns going up. 

This transition part of our journey was very easy however the "honeymoon period" was soon to be over.  There maybe parts of our journey coming up that if they had it their way they wouldn't want me to share.  I am going to share somethings and somethings I will keep private.  For those who are thinking about adopting I want to be honest and share our story because you very well could encounter the same things or I could mention things you didn't consider.  

Once I get to where we are now and you compare to where we started-- you would not recognize them by their behaviors.  They have made tons of progress and this is why I feel the need to share with you.  I hope that you hang in there and be persistent in what the Lord is calling you to do.  This journey has been so rewarding!!  Yes -- No doubt it has been hard but it has not only changed these kids for the better, it has changed our family for the better too.  PRESS ON!

Adoption: Going Away Party

The next morning we were very busy.  We met the kids at their church that morning.  They were going to be dedicating the children into our family by their pastor.  It just so happened that this particular Sunday we were there, there were other adoption celebrations being announced at the church.  This was just another moment where we knew God was in the midst of us giving us confirmation after confirmation that we are walking in his steps. Most of the children that were being adopted were from other countries or relative adoption.  This was a very special Sunday for many of us there.

Occasionally out of my peripheral vision I would find Alicia staring at me.  I think she was trying to get use to the fact that she now has a mom and this is the lady who was going to take her home.  Nemo was on cloud 10 and all for it.  Alicia was unsure and doing this for her brother.  She was willing to go where ever her brother went.  That did not mean that she was happy.  She just tolerated situations as long as they were together.

During service the pastor did an alter call and Nemo went up and kneeled before the alter.  Little did I know this little boy had many demons he was fighting inside.  Inside of him there was a war going on between good and bad.  It was a tug a war.  I would find out more of course as time went along.  Alicia did not have the same struggles as Nemo but her struggles were more of negativity and anger toward others.  I will share more about that later in another post but keeping somethings private.

One of the family friends were there at church that day.  He was a guy in his 20's that was very special to the kids.  After church service was over Nemo goes up to him in front of all us and puts this shinny silver necklace on him as a going away present.  It was so sweet.  I could tell this meant a lot to this guy.  I could also tell that this meant a lot to Nemo.  Come to find out days later I get a call from the foster parent asking if I had seen a shiny silver necklace.  One of her foster boys cant find it his necklace.  It dawned on me that Nemo had taken the necklace from one of his foster brothers and had given it to this family friend.  I was stunned to think back to that moment when people were all teary eyed watching him put the necklace on him and it was stolen.  Oh Nemo -- He means well but he just needs to figure out how to make honest choices. All this time I was taking notes on things that we were going to have to work on back home.

For a side note -- when you adopt --it is your job to put these kids back together.  They come to you in pieces all broken and in pieces.  For us and their ages -- we have a short period of time to get him to the place where one day they would move out of the home.  We want them to be contributing people in society.  Not people who is taking up a spot in the local jail or penitentiary.  We knew we were going to invest in these kids and do our absolute best.  When they do move out they are responsible for their actions.  We are praying that being in our home is going to be a good change for the both of them.  We were not worried about Alicia in this way as far as picking the wrong road -- that was for Nemo, however Alicia her attitude would hold her back if she didn't forgive and continue on this road the Lord has set before her.

After church we took the kids and went to their going away party.  There was many friends and great food.  I was noticing all Alicia's friends.  They look so similar to her.  They looked very unhappy and people you did not want to mess with (in junior high).  These friends all had family problems.  I felt an urgency to get them home.  I think friends are a good thing however if they are friends that fuel your fire and keep you burning for the wrong things it is something that needs to be extinguished.  You need friends that keeps your fire burning hotter and hotter for the Lord.  That is where you will find peace and joy. Nemo had a few friends there--not many.  I would learn more about his friends situation later - much later.

 This was our first family picture at their going away party. 

The foster parent made a great scrapbook that everyone signed and left messages for them.  It was very special.  They were all congratulating them on finding a family and wishing them luck.  After a year of being with us -- they still look at it.  They got gifts from different people.  Many staff from the school came too.  I thought that was sweet! That meant a lot to the children.

Once the going away party was over we took the kids with us and went back to the hotel.  We only had a few hours to swim and spend time together before taking them back home.  The kids wanted to leave that day so bad to head to Central Point.  There was chance we were going to have to stay till Tuesday depending on how the kids do.  If it was going to be emotional and hard then we would have had to stay the extra day.  I called the adoption worker on Sunday and asked if it would be okay if we left tomorrow for home.  She gave the okay.  She knew the kids were more than ready to leave.  I let the kids know that tomorrow during school we will pick them up and bring them back to their house to load up their things.  They were so happy about that.

We dropped the kids off, gave hugs and told them to be expecting us at the school tomorrow.  Both of them seemed happy about the next day events.

To Be Continued.......................