Adoption: Introducing Alicia

Now for my sweet Alicia --

It all seemed to be going okay except for her singing really loud in the car on the way home.  The first few days were fine.  I did notice that she had bully tendencies with the younger kids.  She would stand on her toes and arch over them and say "oh yea?" expecting them to cower or back down.  We immediately addressed this.  There was a time when I backed her in the corner and was inches from her face giving back what she was doing to the others.  She was not happy but neither was I.  There is no room in our home for bullies.  We had to really watch her for the first month.  After that, it did not happen as much and now thinking back it has been a long time since anything like that has even occurred.  

 

A lot of her problems was that she was 12 years old going on 13.  She is the type of girl that knows what you are going ask before you ask it.  Her response is always "I know".  She will cut you off in mid sentence and say "I know". So just for kicks a lot of the time I would pause right when she says it and say "What was a going to say?" Sometimes she would get it right but more often than not she was wrong on what I was going to say.  

 

There was an incident that was a major turning point in our home life.  There were times when she was flat out rude.  There is no other way to put it.  When people would talk to her and she did not want to listen she would turn up the volume on her MP3 player and mouth the words to the song like no one was talking to her.  I watched this a few times and it was getting me frustrated.  The straw that broke the camels back was she got put in a "time out".  Yes she was going on 13 years old and she was put in a time out.  I was talking to her and she turned up the volume on her MP3 player on me (while being addressed).  I told her that she is going to her room when we get home until dinner time.  I turned to walk away and looked back and she stuck out her tongue at me.  I took a couple minutes to collect myself and then I walked over to her (very calm) and took her MP3 player from her -- told her this is now mine.  She is not old enough for one of these obviously.  The MP3 player stayed in my possession for at least a month.  I told her before she got it back that I needed to see a major attitude changes.  

Once we got home that afternoon she went to her bedroom as ordered.  She crawled in her covers and was sleeping like a baby.  I was furious because she was feeling no effect from her being disciplined.  

To back up just a bit when she did come to us she had trouble sleeping so I would give her an over the counter sleeping pill once in a while to help her until she got adjusted.  Well on this day I thought to myself she can sleep all day if she wants to but I am NOT giving her a sleeping pill tonight.  She can lay there awake all night for all I care.  In the evening I got her up for dinner.  When it was time for bed she said very sweetly "can I have a sleeping pill tonight?" I replied "Sorry -- you should of thought about that before you slept your day away. The answer is NO"!

 

The next morning she got up and said "Ah.....that was the best night sleep I had in a long time!" Her smile was from ear to ear.  I literally was burning inside.  I let it go but thought the next time she got in trouble and I caught her sleeping she would be in her the next day too.  That next night she asked for a sleeping pill I said "no, you had a great night sleep last night I think you are all fixed."  She replied with "well, I actually lied -- that night was horrible!"  I told her she still does not get a sleeping pill.  It took me a few days to realize that I won that battle but it sure had a lot of ups and downs and it took a couple of days to succeed.

 

Someone told me awhile back something that really rang true to me.  Try with all your might not to get in a confrontation with your child but if you find yourself in one -- NEVER LOSE! 

Another thing that she would do is roll her eyes and stomp away and smart mouth as she was leaving.  This took a couple times to get this under control but it did work.  Here is what happened with an episode regarding that.

When she would bully the other kids or tell them to shut up or something really unacceptable I would tell her to "come here" to me.  She would come over and I would tell her that "we do not talk that way to one another.  We do not call names or tell someone to shut up.  Are words are to build one another up not to tear them down.  Tell them your sorry".  She would roll her eyes and turn around and stomp off with a major attitude.  I would tell her to "get back here".  We are going to try this again.  "You do not smart mouth me or anyone else.  Now go tell them your sorry for what you did".  She would do the same thing with her snotty attitude.  I would say "Nope-- come back her and lets try this again". I would then make her stand in "time out" by the wall (not in the corner).  The last time she did this she broke down in tears and melted down to the floor sliding her body up against the wall.  This was a precious moment because her guard was down and she opened up and was talking about her birth family.  I sat there and listened as she sobbed.  Before she was angry but now she was a soft young lady tired of fighting to get her own way. We then hugged and continued on our day.  It did not take long to break the stomping away and back talk attitude.  Consistency was my friend.

 

Now when I ask her about it and she gets this grin on her face and she said she was thinking....."Who is this lady? And what is up with all these rules?"

I was thankful that none of these kids were the type to yell at me or say they hate me or they never physically fought with eachother (at least since they had been at my home).  Maybe because they had a feeling that would not go over to well.  I never backed down with my bio children and I would never back down to them either.  

 

I have three biological boys.  They have never physically fought with each other.  I would not allow them to wrestle because that would be breed frustration.  I grew up in a home where us siblings fought constantly.  I am surprised we didn't kill each other.  I did not want that for my children.  Now -- they would get into an argument every now and then but never physically fought with one another.  Bringing these kids in and already having that boundary established really worked for our benefit.  These kids came in to our home fighters (have to defend themselves).  Having this rule -- they never had to defend themselves so fighting has never been an issue.

Alicia was changing from the inside out.  After going through what we went through it is so amazing to see her so sweet and caring.

There is still more to come so stay tuned.......................